NATIONAL: The Leader of the Australian Opposition, Tony Abbott has recruited four young boys who bullied a New York school worker to stand as Liberal Party candidates in the 2013 election.
In a story that has swept the internet, Ms Klein, a 69-year-old bus monitor from Rochester, NY was subjected to 10 minutes of extraordinary abuse by four students, aged 12 and 13.
One of the boys filmed the profanity-laced encounter – which included insults about her weight, her hearing aid and her sweat glands – and posted it on his Facebook page. It made it to YouTube and has since had more than 5 million views.
Tony Abbott agreed the boys’ conduct was appalling.
“The boys’ conduct was appalling. So of course we need them in the Australian Parliament,” Mr Abbott said.
Liberal Party elder statesman Wilson ‘Iron Bar’ Tuckey has been sent to the United States to chaperone the boys on their trip to Australia, to ensure they’re “sufficiently bitter and twisted” by the time they arrive.
“Obviously, these children are extremely good at what they do,” Mr Abbott said. “For their age, they’re well ahead of their peers, but they’re still rookies and we’re talking about the Australian Parliament. So they’ll be under the close watch of people like Wilson, and Scott Morrison.”
Asked why he’d resorted to recruiting American teenagers for an Australian election, Mr Abbott said the reasons were complex.
“For a start, Sophie Mirabella’s ‘demon baby’ is still in nappies.
“Secondly, the average age in the party room is 87. And of the members we have who are still capable of procreation, more than half have been exposed to Alexander Downer, and obviously they’re sterile.
“We simply have to start looking off-shore.”
Mr Abbott said the strategy was ultimately about tackling perceptions in the electorate that he was too negative.
“Voters think I’m a pr*ck, and Malcolm Turnbull is circling. So I have to find other people to do the whingeing for me,” Mr Abbott said.
“We tried Joe Hockey, but he looks too much like Stay-Puff the Marshmallow Man to be taken seriously as a head-kicker. And Christopher Pyne sounds like a prissy private school nerd trying to sound like a camp public school nerd.
“Julie Bishop is, well, Julie Bishop. We’d considered her grandmother Bronwyn, because her hair looks like you could crack walnuts on it. But focus groups said that whenever Bronwyn opens her mouth, it reminds them of a cat being strangled.
“Obviously, we need to recruit someone to scream and rant like a petulant child, so I figured why not recruit four petulant children?”
Mr Abbott said on their arrival, the four boys would embark on an intense ‘Liberal Party boot camp’, run by former Howard government minister, Mal Brough.
“Mal cruelled his chance of being pre-selected for the seat of Fisher by running for pre-selection in the seat of Fisher, so he’s looking for work.
“He’s a former Army captain and was roundly hated by his military colleagues. And apparently they like him more than his Liberal National Party colleagues. I mean, this guy destroyed the lives of 50,000 Aboriginal people in the Northern Territory, courtesy of the NT intervention, so really, I can’t think of a better nut bag to turn these boys into machines of seething hatred.”
Mr Abbott confirmed the boys are being schooled in Australian phrases and “abuse befitting an Australian parliamentarian” in order for them to be ready for what is expected to be a bruising 2013 election campaign.
“We’re running them through one-liners like, ‘Mr Speaker, my question is for the Prime Minister. Prime Minister, how many more scum sucking asylum seekers are you going to let in’. And of course, ‘Carbon tax kills babies.’”
He also confirmed that Senator Eric Abetz had been recruited to help the children with their “withering stares” and pulling faces that “looked like they’d been exposed to years of rejection and bitterness”.
However, he denied rumours the children would be made to work on Senator Bill Heffernan’s farm for a month.
“We’re going for ‘angry’, not ‘neurotic,’” he said.
He also denied rumours circulated by Labor bovver-boy Anthony Albenese that former Labor Prime Minister Kevin Rudd had offered to school the children in Australian-isms, like ‘fair suck of the sauce bottle’ and ‘stone the crows… the crow being Julia Gillard’.
Mr Abbott said the boys, who can’t be named for legal reasons, have been given special ‘Liberal Party pseudonyms’.
“We’re calling the oldest boy ‘Menzies’, and the two middle boys ‘Johnnie’ and ‘Barnaby’,” Mr Abbot said.
“I’ve named the youngest boy – who happens to be the nastiest – after myself. Which is why I’m proud to say that of all the boys, Budgie has probably the greatest prospects if the early signs of his breathtaking vitriole and utter disregard for basic human decency are anything to go by.”
Mr Abbott said it was likely the boys would contest high profile Labor seats, including Lalor, the Prime Minister’s seat.
“If the Labor Party can knock off John Howard with Maxine McKew, we can knock off Julia Gillard with a 12-year-old pre-pubescent thug.”
Young Menzies has volunteered to contest the seat of Batman, after his favourite comic book.